Dear Son and Daughter (& Lauren)

I think Life is Great for the planet because your old man does not rule the world! Crazy people should not be in charge of other people. Anyway, since sending you off to that bastion of liberal thinking for an education, you both returned to me vegans. Where did I go wrong? I expected you to return as communists, but not vegans! I agree with the concept that a plant based diet is better for the environment and kinder to animals, but I still hold to my believe that if your reason for being vegan is to save the planet or prevent animal cruelty, than you really should be eating non-vegan people. After all, the more non-vegans you eat, the less animals that will be killed and the less big animal industrial farming will occur.

You will never solve the problem unless you start eating lots of people in an environmentally friendly way. This means you can’t run down people in a gas-guzzling truck, but I suppose a Tesla or Prius might be alright? Actually much easier to sneak up on your victims with a quiet electric car, although it would be even greener if you could do it on a bicycle. You also probably should not BBQ anyone; that burns coal or wood! Probably need a solar panel to power something up to cook these non-vegans. Also, sorry but you can’t get picky and try to go organic or non-GMO,  these non-vegans will definitely be full of chemicals and maybe somehow genetically modified, but you need to swallow them down nonetheless.  Bon Appétit, enjoy saving the planet.

Unsavory & Stringy Dad